Only one

I'm going to level with you: I struggle with the "should we have another kid" thing daily. 

To be honest, I'm jealous of the people who know what they want. Jealous of those to whom motherhood comes naturally. Jealous of those whose budgets can accommodate more than one child. Jealous of those who can quit their jobs to raise their children. 

But am I really jealous, or just second guessing myself because having one child isn't the norm?

Yeah, I don't know, either. 

The reality of the situation is that we are comfortable financially. The reality is that we can probably send one kid to college, but two would be pushing it. The reality is that we don't want to live paycheck to paycheck. 

The reality is that motherhood does not come as naturally to me as it does to some. Woah, easy there, Dr. Phil, let me explain: I love my son with a fierceness and depth that was previously unknown to me. If you touch him, I will kill you and bury you where your corpse would never be found. That being said, when you picture a mother, you picture someone gentle and beautiful and perfect and kind and loving...like my mother. Mothers are heroes. Mothers have balls of steel. Mothers are never wrong. 

I, my friend, am zero of those things. I am made of a lesser metal. I see my friends breeze through motherhood, my high school best friends handle two kids with obvious ease. (They're made of the same stuff as the Ladybug toddler whisperers.) And here I sit, with so much love in my heart for this tiny little terrorist, and yet no fucking clue what to do with him. Thank god for his daddy, the Forrest to his Bubba. 

The reality is that we like the simplicity of our family, of the three of us.  We are a trio of hillbillies, bound together by love and good old biology. We're tight, yo. 

So, maybe I'm not jealous. Maybe having "only" one child isn't a bad thing.