Shit my toddler taught me

1. You can take too large a bite of yogurt.  You would think, since it's not exactly a true solid, that a spoon would limit the size of a bite...but nope.  You can effectively shove so much yogurt down your throat hole that you induce vomiting.

2. Bubble baths are fucking terrifying. Previously, baths had been touch and go.  To spice up the toddler bath experience, we excitedly purchased a bottle of Mr. Bubble bubble bath.  The first time my son feasted his eyes on a bathtub full of bubbles, he latched his naked self onto my leg and began screaming in terror. We finally got him in the tub, but not without drama. Poor little guy kept making sure his feet were still there, underneath the flesh-eating mass of Mr. Bubble. 

3. Donuts are an acceptable form of bribery, but only in the morning.  To be bribed with a donut any other time of day is just lunacy, and not to be tolerated. 

4. Any size tractor can be ridden, if you put your mind to it. 

5. It is socially acceptable to tickle the feet of any adult, at any time. Through their shoes. While screaming.

6. Toe lint will NOT be tolerated. Each and every microscopic piece of lint MUST be diligently removed from between this kid's toes in order to prevent a blind panic. Even if you think you got it all, you better fucking do it again. 

7. String cheese is infinitely superior to cheese cubes. Since this tiny terrorist demands cheese constantly (not to eat, but only to carry around) we bought cheese cubes to minimize waste. Smart, eh? Wrong. All wrong.  Wrong shape, wrong size, wrong fucking color.

8. Anything that is hot, could be hot, has ever been hot, or is NOT COLD is considered to be boiling, and therefore incompatible with human life.  Blowing on the offending item repeatedly will resolve the issue. 

9. Curious George is a huge fuckup. 

10. A living room is easily transformed into a wrestling ring. Screaming "STEAMROLLER!" at Gage "The Rage" Haygood evokes an instinctual response: drop to the floor and roll over any offending being with total disregard for consequence.